This Week In Houseplants
Horoscopes, thrips, and tips for complete beginners
Anyone else fully turned into their mother when it comes to obsessing about the days getting longer? Even with my houseplant hobby I was never that bothered and recently I’ve been thinking of little else. It’s hard being this cool.
Houseplants and Horoscopes
I’m not a horoscope person, but when I see an article entitled ‘A Houseplant for Every Zodiac Sign - Which One Matches Your Personality Traits?’ I click.
I was intrigued!
For Taurus I assumed fern or pothos or something similar. You know, earthy, dependable, that kind of thing.
I don’t know why I was so annoyed that they burdened us Taureans with a Fiddle Leaf Fig but I was briefly quite mad.
That SCREAMS ‘I have no idea about either horoscopes or houseplants, so I’ll just write any old thing’.
Most other plants would have been fine. IN FACT if they’d have said for Taurus ‘any plant is fine EXCEPT for FLF i’d have been okay with that.
There was a load of gumph explaining the choice but I switched off when they said ' that FLFs are ‘rewarding to care for’.
That simply is not true.
If they produced figs, fair enough, but they do nothing, then sulk and die.
The correct answer, by the way, is schefflera. They’re taurus all over. Dependable, chill, like to be cosy but will put up with a lot.
Schefflera do NOT get enough love in houseplant circles.
If you want to read more about them, I have an article about schefflera care here.
They also have the cutest little claws (evidence below).
I don’t know much about the zodiac signs other than my own (I wrote that last bit and then realised it’s a lie).
The only other ones I know about are Virgos because I respect that they organised it so that their favourite time of year (back to school/autumn) with their birthday and scorpios are apparently mean (I’d apologise for saying this but 1. I didn’t make up horoscopes and 2. every scorpio I know is happy at being labelled as such).
Virgos got Kentia palm which makes NO sense. I know nothing about this, but they’re jewel orchids (surely? SURELY??) and scorpios got ZZ plants. Scorpios are carnivorous plants - mysterious and charismatic.
I say it’s rubbish - I was entertained and engaged so I suppose it did its job.
How they deal with thrips in commercial greenhouses
I came across this article last week, and if nothing else, it really made me feel ok about not being able to keep on top of thrips.
Thrips are incredibly good at adapting to new threats which is why it’s not recommended to use pesticides on them - you’re just potentially creating a new super thrips.
Commercial greenhouses are increasingly using predatory bugs to keep populations under control. They don’t look to entirely eradicate pests - they just create environments where numbers are kept balanced.
My preferred pest management system is also using predatory bugs, but it’s too cold in winter, so I just, er, tell my plants to hang on, it’ll be summer soon, and it’ll all be ok.
Beginners, I have a new article for you
The internet is a dumpster fire of crap advice for houseplant noobs, so I tried to write a quick and easy article outlining all the stuff plant beginners should care about, and the stuff that they don’t need to care about.
However, when you write things online like ‘fertiliser doesn’t matter’ you end up tying yourself in knots trying to appease every possible scenario the beginner so it accidentally ended up being 2400 words long. Sheesh.
Remember that it’s for total beginners. Let’s not encumber them with thoughts of repotting and fertilising before they’ve worked out light and water. They can get to that later (if they want to). First we need to get that plant near a window and explain the dangers of the DIY fertiliser suggestions that have infected the internet (nothing will make you chuck a plant faster than having gnats in your wine glass).
Ideally, I would control all aspects of the journey, so start with ‘go and buy a pothos’.
But let’s be honest, most people’s houseplant journey starts by locking eyes with a totally unsuitable plant across a supermarket then enthusiastically overloving it to death within a month, throwing it in the bin, labelling oneself ‘bad with plants’ and moving onto to things that are easy to keep alive, like dogs and kids.
It should be:
Buy a pothos
Put it a window.
Is the soil* dry? If yes water, if no, no water
Water with whatever water you drink
Repeat
*The soil, not the plant. The plant doesn’t know a damn thing about hydration until it’s too late.
For the vast majority of people, this is all they need and their plant will be fine.
When it stops growing in a couple of years, they can feed it or repot on, but they can cross that bridge when they come to it.
But if you want to read the above sentiment stretched out over 2400 words, check it out!
New project
If you read last week’s email you’ll remember (I’m sure) that I was going houseplant shopping last week. Alas, our car needed work so we’re going this week instead. I plan on getting a couple of fittonia and maybe a small fern and putting them in a kilner jar, then seeing how long I can keep it closed for.
I’ve been scouting Pinterest for article ideas and closed terrariums are very popular. I’m a little worried that people think you can seal a terrarium and it’ll be fine for decades - even that dude who had one for years had to open it periodically to trim it - but I think it’ll look cute on my coffee table. I wonder if I could light it? Glow in the dark sand or something? Hmm. Much to think about. Ideas welcome in the comments ⬇️⬇️⬇️
Have an awesome week!
I'm Aquarius but am not going to buy another Boston fern. I bought one, it died, 'nuff said.
However you have inspired me to try another schefflera. I had one for years before it died and if I get one now it may well outlive me.